After the fifteen-minute break was up, instead of the 22 footballers, there emerged a bunch of shapes with arms and legs. Amongst them was a square, a circle, a triangle, an octagon and an irregular septagon with one acute angle. There was also the Queen's arse. It appeared that the shapes were taking umbridge at the Queen's arse's presence.
"Oi! Bugger off! You're not a shape. You're the Queen's arse." said the circle.
"What are you talking about? Of course I'm a shape. Everything's a shape. I am arse-shaped," the Queen's arse retorted.
"Oh, very clever. You know what I mean. Now bugger off. We only want geometrical shapes here today. And anyway. What is the Queen using to hang her legs from?" the circle asked.
"She'll be using a servant, I should imagine. How should I know? I'm her arse, not her keeper."
After a moment, one of Nelson Mandela's testicles came jogging out towards the centre circle.
"Hi Folks! Is this the Gathering of Famous People's Body Parts? Bit of a poor turn out. All right Queen's arse?"
"Smashing, thanks. Yourself?"
"Aye. Not bad. Who are this lot?"
"Look," said the circle. "Will you two just f*&k off. It's just shapes here today, OK? You must have got the date wrong or something."
"Don't bother. I've already told him. I'm arse-shaped and you're bollock-shaped. They're not interested. Bloody prejudice, if you ask me."
"Actually, Queen's arse, it is a bit of a piss-poor turn-out. I would have thought that at least The Lord Chancellor's cock and Mick Jagger's armpit would have shown. Perhaps we have got it wrong somewhere."
"No. I don't think so. Look. I've got the match-day programme right here. 8.00 pm Sheffield United Reserves vs. Crewe Reserves. 8.50 pm Bizarre shift in reality. 9.00 pm ........... Oh my! Goodness me. It says International Pro-Celebrity Tesselation."
"Thank you very much!" said the circle indignantly. "Now will you two kindly f*&k off so we can get on with the bloody game?"
"Hang on a minute," said the Queen's arse. "I'll get to the bottom of this."
"What about a line?" the square unexpectedly entered the conversation.
"What?" said several people at once, looking at the square with confusion.
"You said: 'everything's a shape'. What about a line? Is that a shape? Or is it just a line?"
"What?! Er, oh, I don't know. Where was I?" answered the Queen's arse.
"You said '...I'll get to the bottom of this...' Ha ha! Nice one Queen's arse. Get to the bottom of this!" said Mandela's gonad.
"Oh, yes. Right. I've got Einstein's stupid hair's phone number on my mobile. I'll give him a call. Hang on...... Hello? Hello? All right, Hairy? Yeh. Queen's arse here. Listen, mate, isn't it Gathering of Famous People's Body Parts today? Only I'm here, Mandela's bollock's here, but no-one else. Where are you, mate? What? Can't hear you. Hang on. Right. That's better. At where? Hillsbrough? Oh, f*&k me! You know what we've gone and done, don't you? We're only at the f*&king Sheffield United instead of Sheffield Wednesday. Right. No, we'll have to get on a tram. Tell 'em to hang on until we get there. You can do the warm-up, but under no circumstances should you begin the shouting of the word 'gnarled' until we arrive. OK. My apologies, shapes. It seems you were right. We've gone and come to the wrong football club."
"Oh, not to worry,"said the octagon. "I've done that before myself." The body parts left and after that, the slightly delayed second half got under way. The circle was fu*&ing useless. Shouldn't have been allowed on the pitch. And on how much a week? It's a fu*&ing scandal. But the other shapes put on a good show and I left the ground at the end feeling thoroughly entertained. Don't ask me what the score was, though. I'm not sure I've got the hang of the rules yet.
I must apologise for the shocking language of some of the participants. I blame Channel 4.
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