One evening a couple of weeks ago I was talking on the phone with one of my female friends and we got onto the subject of 'talking dirty'. If you are worried about my moral integrity at this point, may I please assure you that this doesn't happen all the time and that I usually stick to subjects such as hairdressing, interior design, lovely fluffy bunny wabbits and cute little lambs gamboling through lush green pastures dotted with golden buttercups on balmy spring afternoons.
Anyway, somehow this topic came up and my friend suggested that it would be rather amusing if couples talked dirty but used the very polite / medical terms for the acts and body parts which they were describing.
Give it a try! It is indeed very amusing. I particularly recommend putting on a voice like Noel Coward when you do it.
Here is an example but do feel free to experiment with your own. :-)
"Darling, you are looking quite wonderful tonight. More blood than usual has flown into my penis. It is larger than normal and it is in a state of rigidness. I really would like to engage in sexual intercourse with you."
"Oh, yes my love. I too am rather keen on engaging in sexual intercourse. It will probably be facilitated by the fact that I am currently secreting vaginal fluid which will act as a perfect lubricant when your penis is inserted into my vaginal canal and will help prevent any painful friction."
"Oh, baby! I am going to insert it and then I am going to perform some vigorous pelvic movements, stimulating the super-sensitive nerve endings of my glans until I reach a point of ecstatic climax and am unable to stop myself filling your uterus with my spermatozoa."
"Oh, yes. Go on then love machine! Insert your erect penis into my vaginal canal. I want to feel your glans (which is rather swollen due to the unusual amount of blood flow to the region) touching my cervix as you engage in sexual intercourse with me. I am also looking forward to feeling the contraction of your bulbospongiosus muscle which will propel your spermatozoa into my uterine chamber."
OK! You can write the rest yourselves!
Thanks to my friend for the very funny idea :-)
One last thing. If you want to engage in talking dirty proper, I cannot think of a thoroughly naughty way of saying 'uterus'. The only other word I can think of is 'womb' which you would have no problem saying to your grandmother. That just will not do!
Please leave your filthy word for 'womb' suggestions in a comment!
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2 comments:
What? This isn't how one is SUPPOSED to talk dirty? Really? Well, crap. That actually explains a lot about my love life. Sigh.
OK, how about 'incubator'? Not terribly dirty, I'll give you, but I'm working on it (see paragraph #1).
It is a while since I visited this article. It originally prompted quite a discussion in Facebook Notes. You can find it there still if you are determined.
The best we have come up with so far is 'cave of conception'.
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