A few years ago I decided try try my hand at a new profession. The profession I chose was animal psychology. I couldn't be bothered with the whole training to get proper qualifications thing, so I just decided to get some business cards printed at one of those cheap machines you see at train stations and airports. I added some important sounding letters after a false, slightly foreign-sounding, name. Then off I went into the merry world of four-legged cheering up. How hard could it be?
To my unceasing astonishment, I was an immediate and resounding success. People would bring their dogs and cats along to me who were off their food or had started showing an unhealthy interest in rubber garments, and I would rub my chin for a little while and look pensive whilst asking a few relevant-sounding questions, the answers to which I paid no attention to whatsoever.
Then I would say, "Hmm, yes. Leave Rover with me for half an hour and I'll see what I can do."
I would then take the problem pet into a back room and say something like "For goodness sake get a grip. Pull yourself together. Life's not a rehearsal you know!"
Anyway, it seems like I unwittingly stumbled upon a winner with this no-nonsense approach and nine times out of ten it did the trick. Off-colour dogs stopped moping around looking sad and immediately returned to the much more healthy state of mind which is indicated by chasing a ball and bringing it back over and over and over again until their tongues are touching the floor. Cats with low self-esteem returned to their surly 'take take take and I'll let you stroke me every now and again if you're lucky' arrogance.
Very quickly my reputation spread and soon folks from far and wide were heading in my direction with their fed-up furry friends in tow. Elephants with amnesia. Belligerent sheep. Noisy mice. Rabbits that had lost their sex-drive.
Quite frankly I was starting to get a bit out of my depth. My original formula worked fine for crabby canines, forlorn felines and even pissed-off piscines, but I couldn't really take the same approach with these more complex animal issues. What was I to do? It was only a matter of time before I was exposed as a shameful psycho-charlatan. There was only one thing for it. I decided to fake my own death in a tragic terribly uptight tiger tantrum accident.
I got a few steaks from the butchers, and then let out a terrible scream, then quickly climbed out of the window, chucking the steaks and a ripped up bloodstained white coat in the direction of the tiger as I left. When the circus owners burst into the room, all they saw was the tiger polishing off the last bit of the steak and what was left of my white coat on the floor.
The incident made the front page of the local newspapers and there were some rather pleasing quotes from former customers, but my adventure into a new exciting life was over and now I have returned to the more mundane world of computer science. Win some lose some I guess.
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