Those who joined in the little discussion in 'My Questions', which started with the question 'Is it OK to lie so that you don't hurt someone's feelings?' will already be familiar with some of my views on this subject. But I will try to spell them out a bit more here.
I think that lying, however well meaning it is, always causes harm. I want people to always be completely honest with me and I always strive to do the same. The kind of examples we discussed in 'My Questions' were based around the 'Does my bum look big in this?' theme.
If the answer is yes in my opinion, I will always say yes. I want people to always say yes to me too, if that is what they think. My 88 year old grandmother is brilliant at this. She is the Queen Of Tell It Like It Is. Without her I would long since have stumbled down the rocky road to ruin.
I will give you a good example. Last summer I had to look after my daughters full time for several months and this meant that I could not exercise regularly as I usually do. I tried cutting back on my normal eating habits to counteract this and thought I was doing OK until I visited my grandmother who said in her usual matter-of-fact way:
"Peter, you are getting bloody fat."
Now THAT was just what I needed. That spurs me into action. All the people who I had encountered before this who has said I looked fine or said nothing, shame on you! It is so easy to delude oneself. To slip into the habit of wearing looser fitting clothes, to avoid looking in mirrors or to look in them without focusing properly, to steer clear of the scales. And you slide and you slide until some brave hero tells you it straight!
Now I have done something about it and I am 'bloody fat' no longer. But I wish someone had told me sooner, then it would have been less hard work!
A very common scenario where blatant lying goes on all the time is relationship break-ups.
"It isn't you it is me. You're really so very lovely but I'm not ready for a full-on relationship right now."
FUCK OFF! Stop lying!
"I have decided to stop seeing you because I discovered after getting to know you better that I don't really like you that much and here is why ........"
Think of it as a bit like a job interview where you didn't get the job. A good bit of constructive feedback can help you get the next one.
Furthermore, I will go further and state that I don't consider it to be my responsibility if people take offense at what I say. It is their responsibility. If people take themselves so seriously that they can't hear the honest opinion of one individual without getting offended, then I'm afraid I think that is their problem.
It can't be my responsibility. If it were, every person would get offended in the same way by what I say. But they don't. I know many people who welcome the fact that I will tell them straight that I think they have a crap haircut or that their current partner is a twat. Others take umbrage. It therefore must be their responsibility, not mine.
"Men are disturbed not by the things that happen, but by their opinion of the things that happen." - Epictetus
Let me make it clear, I only say these things if they are what I genuinely think and if someone asks my opinion or if I think that being told would really help them (as in my getting fat example).
I don't go round telling people their haircut is shite out of the blue just for fun. I do, on the other hand go round telling people their haircut looks great out of the blue if I think it does. So I think that by and large I leave a positive mark on the world.
I will leave you with one of my favourite pieces of honesty, which was not written by me, but I can't remember where I saw or heard it:
"Does this dress make me look fat?"
"No, it is your overeating and siting on your arse all day that does that."
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