ZIG A ZIG AH

"What's on tonight then, love?" asked Jim as he sat back in his arm chair after a satisfying evening meal. With his favourite mug full of tea just how he liked it in one hand and his Yorkshire Post in the other, Jim felt deep contentment. Every evening he followed the same routine. It was comfortable. It was safe.

"Turn it to ITV will you? Time for Coronation Street," Jim continued.

A deep and heartfelt sigh came from his wife at the other side of the room.

"What's up, love?" asked Jim. "You've got the remote there haven't you? You know we always watch Coronation Street at this time."

"Oh, yeh. Don't I just know it," replied Brenda with a sarcastic tone that was so out of character it took Jim by surprise.

"Is something up, love?" asked Jim "Come on, out with it or we'll miss the start."

"Is something up?" Brenda repeated his question, her tone becoming more sarcastic with every syllable. "No, Jim, something isn't up. Fucking everything is up."

Jim had lived with Brenda for 26 years and not once had he heard her use the F word. He sat there with his mouth open wide and very slowly put his favourite mug onto the coaster that sat atop his side table to prevent unsightly stains.

"Wha...?" said Jim, momentarily unable to form a complete word.

"For fuck's sake Jim! You are soooo unutterably dull! Every evening the same thing. 'What's on tonight love? Turn it to Channel 4 love. Rory Bremner's on. We can tape Eastenders and watch it later.' FUCK!! For years we had no choice. The routine enforced by having to work around the kids. For years I waited because I thought there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I thought we could really start to really live our lives again when the kids grew up. Let me tell you, this is NOT what I had in mind. Do you think this is what I want Jim?"

"Wha...? I... I thought you were happy Brenda. I thought we loved each other. I love you Brenda, I am content just to be in your company. I thought you felt the same. We have a nice home in a nice area, no real worries. Another couple of years and I will maybe be able to retire. We have a nice life Brenda. What is it that you want that you don't have?"

"I'll tell you what I want. What I really, really want."

"So, tell me what you want. What you really, really want."

"I want to....I want to....I really, really, really want to zig a zig ah."

"I'm sorry? You really want to what?"

"To zig a zig ah."

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"Don't swear Jim, it is not like you."

"You fucking started it. What the fuck is 'zig a zig ah' ?"

"Oh, Jim, if I have to explain that to you then there is no hope is there? What is the matter with you? What happened to the Jim I once knew? Where did all your va va voom go?"

"So, you would like to zig a zig ah and you are concerned that I have lost my va va voom. Oh, well that's very straightforward. Yes, of course. I will attend to those two things immediately. Is there any other unintelligible bollocks you would like me to be thinking about while I am at it?"

"Don't get sarcastic with me Jim. You know I don't like that."

"Well, I thought I knew what you do and don't like Brenda, but now it all seems to be up in the air doesn't it? Because apparently I should have been paying more attention to my Vorsprung durch Technic all this time rather than working hard to provide a stable home for you and the kids. And maybe I should have been concentrating on my doo wah diddy diddy dum diddy doo as well to make sure that you were able to get all the rama lama dingdong that you are so yearning for. Forgive me if I got it wrong, but maybe it was the fact that YOU HAVEN'T SAID ANYTHING ABOUT THIS FOR THE PREVIOUS 26 YEARS that threw me off track a little."

"Please don't be nasty with me Jim. I am telling you now because I don't think I can take it any longer. God knows I have tried. Are you really happy with this? Same thing every single evening. Emmerdale, Corry, Eastenders, The Bill. Cup of tea. Yorkshire Post. The odd comment about the newspaper or aimed at the TV and never talking to me. Never really talking."

"I am happy Brenda. At least I was until this. Because I thought you were happy. That is really all that matters to me. I am shocked to be honest. I really do feel content just being in your company. I thought you felt the same. I thought we were good together Brenda. Comfortable."

"Maybe 'comfortable' is a bit overrated Jim. Remember exciting? Can't we try exciting again just a little bit, Jim?"

Share on Facebook