VICTORY

In July 1759, Mr Edward Allen, Master Shipwright of Chatham Dockyard received a letter from the Principle Officers and Commissioners of the Admiralty directing him:

"To make preparation and to prepare costing for a First-Rate Ship of 100 guns, to be built and fitted for sea at Chatham".

The name for the new ship was chosen by The Board of Admiralty in 1760 (although it was not completed and launched until Sunday 7th May 1763.

"Gentlemen. Today we have the task of naming the new First-Rate Warship being built at Chatham dock. Tradition has it that we use one of the seven names reserved for this class of ship. As six names are already taken by ships in service to His Majesty, this should be a fairly simple matter."

"Sir, are you sure that is wise in this case? The ship which we are replacing with this new vessel was lost at sea with all crew members. Perhaps we should break with tradition and choose a new name. It would seem that this name is an ill-fated one and even if we are not to believe such things, it may still strike fear in the hearts of any crew."

"What name did you have in mind?"

"Errmmm, how about HMS Fingers Crossed? We don't want to get too complacent after all. Pride comes before a fall and all that."

"Hmm. You might have something there. Our bravado did not work very well with the last ship did it?"

"That's right chief. Maybe it's time to admit that all that positive thinking and God is on our side because we are British stuff is a load of old bollocks and go back to good old fashioned superstition. I mean, just the other day I saw seven crows and a couple of hours later won 25 sovereigns on the gaming table down at the Old Salty Seaman Tavern."

"It's six for gold isn't it?"

"What?"

"One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy, five for silver, six for gold, seven for a secret ...."

"Is it? OK, hang on. No, that was it, I saw one crow before I had my win."

"One crow? One for sorrow?"

"Ah, no. I am going by the other rhyme now. One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready etc."

"That's Elvis. Hasn't even been written yet."

"Who?"

"Elvis."

"Who's Elvis?"

"Oh, never mind. About this ship. Have the rest of you any suggestions?"

"Yes chief. How about HMS You Never Know Your Luck. That should keep the sailors onside. They aren't going to fall for another super-positive name like we had last time, but that at least gives them a bit of hope. Not superstition as such, just pragmatic realism."

"Any more ideas?" Those around the table looked at their big buckled shoes to avoid catching the High Admiral's eye, thus indicating they had nothing further to say.

"OK, so we have three choices before us. HMS Fingers Crossed. HMS You Never Know Your Luck and the original choice, HMS Victory. What say you? Shall we have a show of hands? Thank you gentlemen. It seems the traditionalists amongst us have won the day and we shall go with our original plan. "

So tradition was followed and the new warship was named HMS Victory. It was later to be captained by Admiral Lord Nelson as he led the British Fleet to victory in The Battle Of Trafalgar in 1805, defeating the combined Spanish and French fleets and changing Britain's fortunes in international affairs for many years to come. Nelson was fatally wounded on the deck of HMS Victory during this battle.

One can only ponder if history may have been different had the name HMS You Never Know Your Luck been chosen.

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BODY PARTS

One day last year I went to watch a Reserves football match at Sheffield United to pass the time. Much to my surprise, during the half-time interval, the whole of the rest of the crowd simply vanished into thin air and I was left alone in a big stadium, waiting for the teams to re-emerge from their dressing-rooms.

After the fifteen-minute break was up, instead of the 22 footballers, there emerged a bunch of shapes with arms and legs. Amongst them was a square, a circle, a triangle, an octagon and an irregular septagon with one acute angle. There was also the Queen's arse. It appeared that the shapes were taking umbridge at the Queen's arse's presence.

"Oi! Bugger off! You're not a shape. You're the Queen's arse." said the circle.

"What are you talking about? Of course I'm a shape. Everything's a shape. I am arse-shaped," the Queen's arse retorted.

"Oh, very clever. You know what I mean. Now bugger off. We only want geometrical shapes here today. And anyway. What is the Queen using to hang her legs from?" the circle asked.

"She'll be using a servant, I should imagine. How should I know? I'm her arse, not her keeper."

After a moment, one of Nelson Mandela's testicles came jogging out towards the centre circle.

"Hi Folks! Is this the Gathering of Famous People's Body Parts? Bit of a poor turn out. All right Queen's arse?"

"Smashing, thanks. Yourself?"

"Aye. Not bad. Who are this lot?"

"Look," said the circle. "Will you two just f*&k off. It's just shapes here today, OK? You must have got the date wrong or something."

"Don't bother. I've already told him. I'm arse-shaped and you're bollock-shaped. They're not interested. Bloody prejudice, if you ask me."

"Actually, Queen's arse, it is a bit of a piss-poor turn-out. I would have thought that at least The Lord Chancellor's cock and Mick Jagger's armpit would have shown. Perhaps we have got it wrong somewhere."

"No. I don't think so. Look. I've got the match-day programme right here. 8.00 pm Sheffield United Reserves vs. Crewe Reserves. 8.50 pm Bizarre shift in reality. 9.00 pm ........... Oh my! Goodness me. It says International Pro-Celebrity Tesselation."

"Thank you very much!" said the circle indignantly. "Now will you two kindly f*&k off so we can get on with the bloody game?"

"Hang on a minute," said the Queen's arse. "I'll get to the bottom of this."

"What about a line?" the square unexpectedly entered the conversation.

"What?" said several people at once, looking at the square with confusion.

"You said: 'everything's a shape'. What about a line? Is that a shape? Or is it just a line?"

"What?! Er, oh, I don't know. Where was I?" answered the Queen's arse.

"You said '...I'll get to the bottom of this...' Ha ha! Nice one Queen's arse. Get to the bottom of this!" said Mandela's gonad.

"Oh, yes. Right. I've got Einstein's stupid hair's phone number on my mobile. I'll give him a call. Hang on...... Hello? Hello? All right, Hairy? Yeh. Queen's arse here. Listen, mate, isn't it Gathering of Famous People's Body Parts today? Only I'm here, Mandela's bollock's here, but no-one else. Where are you, mate? What? Can't hear you. Hang on. Right. That's better. At where? Hillsbrough? Oh, f*&k me! You know what we've gone and done, don't you? We're only at the f*&king Sheffield United instead of Sheffield Wednesday. Right. No, we'll have to get on a tram. Tell 'em to hang on until we get there. You can do the warm-up, but under no circumstances should you begin the shouting of the word 'gnarled' until we arrive. OK. My apologies, shapes. It seems you were right. We've gone and come to the wrong football club."

"Oh, not to worry,"said the octagon. "I've done that before myself." The body parts left and after that, the slightly delayed second half got under way. The circle was fu*&ing useless. Shouldn't have been allowed on the pitch. And on how much a week? It's a fu*&ing scandal. But the other shapes put on a good show and I left the ground at the end feeling thoroughly entertained. Don't ask me what the score was, though. I'm not sure I've got the hang of the rules yet.

I must apologise for the shocking language of some of the participants. I blame Channel 4.



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