KISS

Gary spent most of Thursday in a kind of mental haze. He could not concentrate on anything. His mind would not rest on anything other than that for which he was waiting - his date with Rosie that evening. He must have looked at the clock more than 50 times before it finally told him it was time to start getting ready. He never usually spent more than 4 seconds deciding what he was going to wear, but tonight was different. He opened his little wardrobe and for the first time in his life became aware of the fact that he didn't really like any of his clothes. Prior to this moment, he had been completely indifferent about it. He never bought clothes for himself. They were all given to him as presents or hand-me-downs by well-meaning relatives. Gary just accepted them and wore them, not even considering for one moment whether they were clothes that he would have chosen himself. Prior to this moment, he just thought of clothes as a means of keeping warm and covering the wobbly bits he didn't want people to see. Now Gary wished he had been a bit more proactive in his clothing acquisitions.

There was only one thing for it. Realising that doing so may well make him late for a very important date, Gary headed straight round to my flat where he knew that he would find the magnificent wardrobe of his good friend Walter. I was in the middle of juggling and handstand practice when I heard a little knock on the door. I opened it to find Gary crouching with his hands on his knees, gasping for breath.

"Gary! What are you doing here? Isn't tonight the big night? You've only got half an hour, mate. You'd best get cracking," I reminded him.

"Yeh," agreed Gary still getting back his breath. "I know. I know. But I've nothing to wear. Can I come and have a look in Walter's wardrobe. I'm sure he wouldn't mind."

"All right then, my little friend. In you come." I knew that Gary didn't have time to debate the issue.

Gary rushed through my door and headed straight for the sofa which contained Walter's apartment. A few minutes later he emerged resplendent in one of Walter's more traditional elfin outfits. Patent leather red shoes, tight green trousers with red pin stripes, a red silk shirt beneath a waist coat made of the same material of the trousers, and a magnificent green and red pointy hat. All fit Gary remarkably well considering that they were not his.

"What do you think?" Gary asked me as he emerged from the sofa. I said nothing, but gave him a smile and a Fonz-like thumbs up which made him laugh. Then Gary looked at the time. "Hell fire!" He exclaimed. "I'm going to be so late! She'll probably be gone by the time I get there."

There was no way I could let Gary miss out on the night of his life. I pointed to my rucksack. "Jump in, pal," I said. "There's no way I am going to let you miss this one."

Gary looked at me with surprise but didn't have time to argue and climbed into my rucksack. "Hold on tight," I told him as I swung it around onto my back and headed out the door. Like the wind I ran, my little friend's happiness depending on me. Like the scene from Trainspotting, I dodged in and out of more tawdry pedestrians and leaped over cars that got in my way until we eventually reached the entrance to Bolton Woods where the tree stump which housed Dave the Magic Barman's famous hostelry stood. I took off my rucksack, lay it on the floor and undid the zip. Gary climbed out wide eyed, his hat still hanging on precariously to his head.

"Here we are, little feller," I told him.

"Thanks Pete," said Gary. "I won't forget this." He straightened his hat, then off he dashed into the woods. As he approached the pub, he could hear a choir of raucous female voices. It was a little early in the evening to have reached the singing 'I Will Survive' stage, but as Gary got closer he quickly recognised the unmistakable lyrics. He opened the door and stepped inside. Around two tables which had been pushed together was a large group of she-elves who were clearly a little worse for wear. He guessed from their strange attire that it must be some kind of hen night. Sitting on a stool with her back to the rest of the room was the one who Gary assumed must be the bride to be. Polite individuals would have described her as 'a little on the large side' or 'cuddly'. The less polite would have described her as 'a great big fatty'. The ladies paid no attention to Gary's entrance but continued their very loud rendition of the classic Gloria Gaynor track.

As he made his way past the group, aiming for the bar, the cuddly she-elf suddenly stood up an threw back her arms in an exuberant gesture to go with the song. Her right hand hit Gary full in the face, knocking him out cold and he slumped to the ground behind her. The singing suddenly stopped and gasps came from the mouths of the other revelers.

When Gary came round he found himself surrounded by concerned female faces. He felt a sharp pain around his left eye and reached up to touch it gingerly.

"Are you OK? I'm ever so sorry. I never saw you coming. I was really getting into that song. So sorry. Can I get you a drink?"

"Give him some room, girls," Dave the Magic Barman came over holding a bundled up beer towel full of ice. "Here, Gary. Put this on your face and come and have a sit down." He helped Gary up and led him by the arm to a chair near to where the group of girls had been sitting. Feeling very groggy and disoriented, Gary took the ice pack from Dave and put it on his rapidly blackening eye as instructed. Dave went back to the bar and returned with a small glass of purple liquid. "Here, get this down you," he said to Gary. Gary did as instructed. The liquid had a very unusual sweet taste that he could not place, but once he had finished it, he found himself feeling immediately much more alert. The hen night elves began to adjust their seating positions so that they gradually drew Gary within their group and began showering him with drunken sympathy.

Then through the pub door came a vision of beauty that reminded Gary just what he was there for.

"Gary! I never knew you had such a way with the ladies," joked Rosie as she saw the company that he had gained. "You are a dark horse, aren't you? Have you been fighting?"

"No, it's .... well ...... you see ...... I was ......"

"Tell me all about it in a minute, Casanova. Sorry ladies, but this one's mine tonight." She took Gary by the hand, instantly causing a wave of joy to travel up his spine. With a little tug she encouraged him to stand up and then led him over to one of the more secluded tables at the other side of the pub. A few moments later, Magic Dave came over with two drinks which Gary was sure neither of them had ordered.



For the next three hours, Gary talked to Rosie like he had never talked to anyone before in his entire life. Just like on the phone, Rosie's calm and gentle manner made Gary immediately relaxed. His nerves were gone and for the first time ever he felt like he could truly be himself. It was like the bursting of a dam. Recollections, ideas and stories came pouring out of him. They had been held inside for so long. He had always thought his male friends would think him stupid or soft if he told the things he was thinking, so he kept quiet. He had never really spoken to a woman before. Of course he had spoken to them, but not really spoken to them. Now here was Rosie, listening. She seemed genuinely interested and encouraged Gary to carry on, urging him to elaborate when she thought he was going to stop. It felt wonderful, to finally be heard. For the first time in his life, he felt worthy. He felt interesting. Rosie allowed him to feel that he could be himself with no pretences, with no fear and with no barriers. He felt like he, Gary the Sideboard Elf, was truly worthy. For the first time in his life, Gary felt like a man.

When Rosie spoke back, Gary was captivated, watching her: the way her lips moved, the way she played with her golden curls, the way her breasts gently rose and fell with her breathing, the dazzling light of life and love in her big blue eyes and the unmistakable passion in her voice. At times he was so mesmerised that he began to lose track of what she was saying and had to catch himself in case he got into trouble for it. From time to time, when their glasses were almost empty, Magic Dave strode over again with fresh drinks. Whenever Gary offered to pay him, Magic Dave waved his attempt away and returned quickly to the busy bar.

Time passed so quickly. When Magic Dave rang his bell for last orders, Gary could not believe that it was time to leave already. He did not want to leave. He wanted this to last forever. Suddenly there was a loud commotion from the hen night elves. Stood amongst them was Magic Dave's bar assistant and understudy Not Yet Magic George. On top of the bride to be's head he had placed a big Bob Marley style multi-coloured woollen hat. She was remonstrating with him with the rowdy help of her entourage.

"George, what are you doing?" Magic Dave shouted from the bar.

George walked back over to the bar and said to Dave in a low voice, "I'm just doing what you told me, boss. You said: 'Go and put it on the mental she-elf over there so that whoever left it behind will be able to see it if they happen to come back in.' "

"Mantle shelf, George, you great Sillett. Mantle shelf!" Magic Dave said shaking his head.

The pub slowly cleared until Gary and Rosie were the only customers left.

"I think you'd better walk me home, Honey," Rosie said to Gary. Hearing the word 'honey' made a wave of pleasure shoot up his spine. Gary did not want to leave. He knew that Magic Dave would let them stay as long as they wanted, but he reluctantly agreed. They both gave their thanks to Magic Dave and George and headed out into the cool night air. All the way back to Rosie's home, Walter felt like he had returned to his childhood. Everything seemed full of fun. He danced along, leaping over obstacles, balancing on fallen sticks, diving into piles of leaves and 'swimming' through, emerging on the other side beaming. Rosie's laughter encouraged and emboldened him with every antic.

Eventually he reached Rosie's home, She turned to face him, standing close, smiling and looking deep into his eyes. "Thank you Gary," she said in a voice that continued to hypnotise him. "I had a lovely time tonight. I'd really like to see you again."

Gary said nothing. Rosie's body was inches from him. As he gazed into her sparkling blue eyes, he felt a surge of raw masculinity. Feeling strong and powerful, he put one hand on the side of her waist and pulled her towards him. He felt her wonderful firm breasts pressing against him as he raised his other hand to the back of her neck and slowly brought his lips towards hers. Rosie closed her eyes and waited. A fraction of a second seemed to take a minute. Then at last their lips touched. The intimacy and connection took them both to a place of exquisite ecstasy. It was as if during that moment, they were one.

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