Random Musings: INTERVIEW WITH A FURNITURE ELF

The following is a transcript of an interview which was aired on Squeaky FM, a commercial radio station very popular with elves, pixies, educated goblins and many other size of your little finger imaginary woodland characters. Oh, and mice and Joe Pasquale.

FROM SIDEBOARD TO SIDEKICK - THE RISE AND RISE OF A FURNITURE ELF

(Interview by Swifty Leafglider, our tiny Music Correspondent)

SWIFTY: For this week's Meet The Miniature Musician interview, our studio is graced with the presence of one of my own personal heroes. Gary the Sideboard Elf, the more enigmatic half of the Christmas sensations Walter and Gary.

SWIFTY: Good morning Gary, and may I take this opportunity to say what a personal pleasure it is to get this opportunity to meet you.

GARY: Cheers Swifty. Good to meet you too. I always like to listen to your little bit every week.

SWIFTY: No way! I'd have thought a rock star like yourself would be far too busy fighting off the nymphs!

GARY: Ah, that's more Walter's department. Or at least it was. He really hasn't been himself lately.

SWIFTY: Really? Well, I must first explain for the benefit of the listeners that I was originally expecting both of you for this interview, but Walter couldn't make it. Would you care to shed a little light on that?

GARY: Ah, yes Swifty. Believe it or not, it seems that the old dog is suffering from what can only be described as a broken heart! I've tried everything. Inviting him over to my sideboard where the bottles of spirits are plentiful. Taking him out to The Naughty Nymph Nightspot to watch a bit of fantasy fairy frolicking. Going through his incredibly little black book and calling up a few old flames to come over and join in the fun. You name it, I've tried it.

SWIFTY: Have you tried sitting him inside a steel pyramid frame while incense burns and you wave various crystals about near his head and genital organs?

GARY: Well, all right, no. I haven't tried that. We did get very drunk on the whisky a couple of times, but not that drunk.

SWIFTY: OK Gary, well I'm sure all the listeners will join me in saying that we hope Walter comes through this OK. I'm pleased that you could still make it. Shall we crack on with the interview?

GARY: Thanks Swifty. Sure, fire away!

SWIFTY: OK, why don't you tell us a little bit about your background?

GARY: Right you are Swifty. Well, there's a large wall painted earthy red with some framed photos of various Squeaky DJs on it. Also some kind of planning chart which appears to have nothing on it. Over to the left, there's the door out into the reception area, in front of which stands your runner Odd Job Jimbo with a smirk on his face.

SWIFTY: Ha ha! Thanks, Gary. That wasn't quite what I meant! You and Walter have quite distinct accents for example. Where do they come from?

GARY: From our mouths, Swifty.

SWIFTY: Hmmm. I can see you are going to be hard work today Gary! Let's move on and talk about your great Christmas hit, Little Donkey. What was the inspiration for your work? Does the Christmas story mean a lot to you?

GARY: Not really, Swifty. I know we are imaginary fairytale characters ourselves, but you have to draw the line somewhere! No, I was round at Walter's one day and the Big Feller asked us to do it for his daughters. It's one of their favourites apparently. 'Why not?' We thought. There was nobody as surprised as us at how successful it was.

SWIFTY: It did go down quite a storm, didn't it? At one point reaching Number 4 in the Little Donkey Charts, a position now occupied by Ricky Gervais and his team. And your version is still there at number 8!

GARY: Yeh, we were as gobsmacked as anyone to be honest. Walter loved it of course. The fame, the attention. That isn't really my thing. I prefer to keep quiet about it. I think some of the union members were a bit fed up with Walter wallowing in it too. He's a great leader. Really charismatic. But it has gone against our Socialist principles somewhat. A couple of the older members have been murmuring 'sell-out'.

SWIFTY: Sounds pretty familiar in this day and age, hey Gary? I gather you and Walter first met at Dave Rogerson's, is that right?

GARY: Yeh! Good research Jimbo! What a place that was! Walter was living in a bean bag at the time and I was shacked up in a bedside chest of drawers. We had some great times, especially when the pantomime horses used to come round. Love that crowd and Rogerson himself was a legend. A major piss-head for sure, but the good kind, you know? The kind you can really forgive if he pukes on your bean bag and doesn't bother washing the cover properly for weeks. We've all come a long way since then, but those days of adversity were what made us who we are today.

SWIFTY: You have certainly moved on to bigger and better pieces of furniture. And a music career to boot! Any plans for another single in the near future?

GARY: Well, not right now Swifty. Not with Walter going through his romantic turmoil. Pete has managed to get him to do a couple of Happy Birthday numbers, which in itself was a minor miracle, but he seems to have lost creativity in all aspects of his life at the moment. Maybe if Tallina is listening she might realise just how much she really means to him.

SWIFTY: Let's hope so Gary. I for one would love to have the opportunity to play your next single. And by the look of the e-mails that are coming in as we speak, I think the listeners would too. I'm afraid our time is nearly up. We have to go over to Lester Serious for the Squeaky News. Gary The Sideboard Elf, thank you very much for being our guest today.

GARY: No problem Swifty, it has been a pleasure. Thanks for inviting me. I'll give Walter your regards.