"Come on Walter ya feckin' eedjit! You caan't go aan loike dis!" said Seamus to his little relative. "Ya haven't washed for days. You haven't changed your clothes. To be frank, you smell. This place is such a mess. Peanuts, pen lids, two pence pieces, unidentifiable fluff and flicked bogies everywhere."
"Yeh, yeh," sighed Walter. "I'll clear it up tomorrow."
"Aaaaah, Jeeeesus, will y'ever snap out of it, now? It's Paddy's noight. Remember? That's what oi came over here for. We should be plaaaastered boi now and foighting arf a couple of young nymphs so we can concentrate on the very impaartant matter of drinkin' even more heavily."
"Yeh, OK Seamus," said Walter. "I'm just a bit tired that's all."
"A bit toired you say? You've done nothing but sit in dat chair and whinge loik an owld woman with arthritis since oi got here. For feck's sake man. What is the matter with ya?"
"Just a woman that's all," Walter finally confessed.
"A WOMAN!! Jeeesus. Hello? Is dat you in dere, Walter? A woman? Since when were you ever affected boy a woman?"
"F**k off, Seamus. She's different."
"Different is she? How's dat den? She have t'ree breasts or something?"
Walter sat up in his chair for the first time in a long time, apathy giving way to anger. Seamus sensed he was getting a reaction and pressed on with his questioning.
"Not t'ree breasts? What was it den, me little pal, was she really a feller?"
With that Walter leapt from his chair and grabbing Seamus by the throat, he shoved him backwards, eyes wide and blazing with anger. Seamus raised his eyebrows and his hands in a gesture of appeasement and then spoke with what voice he could muster with his throat held.
"Dat's it, Walter, you get angry now. Dat's it pal. Take a shot if ya want to. Come on Walter. Come back to us."
Walter listened to Seamus' words as if he was standing at the other side of the room. His rage had temporarily removed him from 'himself' and it felt like he was watching the scene as a spectator. Slowly, as the words sank in, Walter felt himself shifitng back into his body. He could see Seamus' face in front of him and he slowly released his grip, then fell to his knees and began to sob.
"I f**king love her, mate, that's all," he managed to get out between big sobs. "I f**king LOVE her."
Seamus put his hand on the back of Walter's shoulders and gave them a rub.
"Oi know ya do, Walt, Oi know you do. Gary told me all about it. But ya need to get it out, pal. Ya can't go bottlin' it up loike dat. Here, take a swig o' dis," Seamus handed Walter a thimble full of Guinness. "Come on, pal. We need to get you out on the town. We need the old Walter back. What time is Gary coming over?"
No sooner did Seamus speak, when in walked Gary with three rather beautiful flower fairies accompanying him.
"Girls, meet Seamus all the way over from Ireland," Gary introduced them. "Seamus, this is Rosie, Tulip and Violet, some old 'friends' of Walter."
Seamus took each of the pretty fairies in turn by the hand and kissed their wrists with a charming flourish which made them giggle and smile knowingly at one another. The girls then turned their attention to Walter, who was a very sorry sight compared to when any of them had seen him before.
"Walter's been a bit off-colour ladies," Seamus quickly said, "But you're feeling a bit better now, aren't you pal? Go get yourself washed, Walt, and Gary and I will keep these t'ree warm for ya." The three fairies giggled again at Seamus' brash forwardness.
As Walter wandered off to scrub up for the night out, Seamus used his blarney to keep the others entertained.
"Gary, did oi ever tell ya 'bout the god dey used to worship in Ireland in the old days?"
"I'm sorry, the what? The god, did you say? But I thought you said that ...."
"Now now, Gary, never moind 'bout what oi said. Oi'll tell you a tale about the old days, when loife was much simpler. Dis is one me mammy used to tell me when oi was knee high to a grasshopper."
"You're knee high to a grasshopper now, Seamus."
"Aaaah, yes, dis was a baby grasshopper. Anyways. In dem days, the ancestors used to worship a god called Lugh. A moighty warrior, he carried a spear and sling and had a magical hound as his companion."
Seamus' lyrical Irish brogue and flamboyant enthusiasm for the tale immediately had the four listeners gripped.
"Now the old folks used to pray to Lugh in toimes of trouble, when food was scarce or illness struck. Dey drew on his strength to get t'rough dese difficult toimes. Instead of building a place of worship as we do now, dey would use caves and raise a shroine to Lugh inside dem. They called these Lugh holes."
Gary looked at the three fairies momentarily, their gazes seemed transfixed on Seamus' face, waiting for him to carry on the story.
"But slowly these caves came to be neglected and the people started to forget about Lugh. Toimes were good and dey had no need for prayin'. The shrines became dusty and cobwebbed, the pictures painted on the walls faded.
"Then one terrible year the harvest failed and a harsh winter came. Food was scarce and the pain of hunger gnawed at the bellies of even the richest family. People's thoughts began to turn to their god once again. But it had been so long. They could hardly remember the customs.
"They prayed in their home, pleading to Lugh for help. But it was no use. Women watched as their children got sick through lack of nourishment. Then one day from out of nowhere there arrived an old man. Wizened and grey, he nevertheless walked upright through the streets calling to all that could to follow him. A crowd gathered behind him and it grew as he walked on, leading them out into the countryside until they came to a cave.
" 'You need to clean the shroines,' said the man. 'Lugh cannot hear your prayers. He needs his Lugh Holes cleaning out.' "
With that, Gary spat out a bit of the Guinness that he was drinking and the three fairies looked at each other in turn, before laughing out loud at the sudden realisation that Seamus really was spinning a yarn. Then Walter strolled back in with a swagger that Gary had not seen in weeks.
"Fellers," he said. "I'm back! Tulip, give us a kiss." He grabbed her gently by the arm and pulled her towards him, kissing her with apparent passion and then holding her by the waist to keep her close. The other two fairies looked momentarily disappointed, then turned their attentions back to Seamus. Gary sighed an all too familiar sigh.
Some time later, the magnificent six arrived at the Three Toadstool Hostelry which was had been carved out of a huge treestump many years before. The place was run by the legendary Dave the Magic Barman, a fellow renowned for his legendary lock ins and ever bendable ear.
"WALTERRRRRRRRRRR!!!" Dave boomed as the group stumbled through the door. "Long time no see, mate! How've you been? Here, let me fix you a special while you introduce me to your chums. Gary I know, watcha Gary, you finally got him out then did you?"
"It was Seamus did that as it happened Dave," answered Gary. "This is Seamus, Walter's cousin from over the water. Seamus, meet Dave the Magic Barman:
Whenever you are feeling down, forlorn or a little blue,
Come see Magic Dave, he will tell you what to do.
He serves the greatest beer in town. There's darts and pool as well.
The duke box still costs 20 pence and plays Bat Out Of Hell.
When it comes to closing time, Dave rings his little bell.
Everyone ignores it and Dave says 'ah, what the hell?' "
Gary had made the rhyme up himself and this was the first time anyone had heard it. Every one looked at him in astonishment, used to him being the quiet one.
"Did you write that Gary?" said Walter.
"Yeh," had nothing better to do lately what with you not coming out.
"That's pretty good, mate," Walter congratulated him. "Has it got a tune?"
"Nah, not yet," admitted Gary.
"That was really good, Gary," said Rosie, suddenly turning her body from Seamus so that she faced Gary.
"Ah, nah it's just a laugh, really, nothing special," Gary blushed a little and was unable to look her in the eye.
"No really, Gary. I really liked it," continued Rosie. "Maybe you could write one for me some time?"
"A ha, um, yeh, really?" said Gary and at last he managed to look up from his shoes to catch her smiling beautifully at him. Gary smiled a shy smile back and felt a shiver of pleasure go up his back.
"Go and sit yourselves round a table, folks, I'll bring your drinks over," said Dave. Walter went and stood in front of the duke box while the other five sat themselves around a big oak table. Rosie sat close to Gary, her thigh touching against his under the table and making his pulse race. She nudged him a little and gave him another smile as the drinks came over. Then Walter joined them as Fields of Athenry rang from the duke box speakers in honour of Seamus and St Patrick.
The night went from strength to strength with the little group playing some drinking games specially designed by Seamus to make sure that the girls got slightly drunker than the boys. They sung along to more Irish classics. The Town I Loved So Well, Dirty Old Town, Danny Boy and The Irish Rover to name but a few. Gary was astonished to find that Rosie had returned from a trip to the toilet and sat herself down on his lap. He struggled not to get aroused but if anything, she seemed to be encouraging it! He had never had such a night and then his bliss was shattered when in walked Jason the Motorbike Elf and a group of his mates. Standing by Jason's side was Tallina Breeze.
Walter did not see her straight away as he was facing away from the door. But he noticed Gary's face drop and he stopped fondling Tulip for a moment and turned to see who was there.
His gaze fell instantly on Tallina and she stared back. Both were equally shocked and the moment lasted for what seemed like minutes to them. It was as if someone had turned down the volume on the music and the rest of the room went out of focus. For those few moments as Walter stared, he could only see Tallina. He could hear her breath, though the duke box played loud. He could feel her though they were yards apart.
Then the spell was broken as Jason grabbed Tallina roughly by the arm and pulled her towards the bar. Tulip put her arm round Walter's shoulder and tried to pull him back towards her. Walter shrugged her off and stood up.
"Easy there mate," said Gary as he stood up to block Walter's path to where Jason and Tallina had gone. Dave the Magic Barman sensed trouble and told the member of Jason's entourage that had gone to order the drinks that they were closing. Despite his protest that it wasn't even eleven yet, Dave was insistent. The message was passed onto Jason who gave Dave a dirty look before pulling Tallina towards the door and beckoning his mates to follow."
"Come on, Babe," he said to Tallina, once again grabbing her arm roughly. "There's plenty of drink left back at my place. Would have drank more of it last night but you insisted on having your wicked way with me so early." As he said these words, Jason gave Walter a withering look and opened the door. Walter looked at Tallina but this time she would not return his gaze. She looked slightly sad, as if ashamed and then they were gone, leaving a great evening shattered.
Walter was numb and couldn't speak. He sat open mouthed, staring into his drink. Dave switched off the duke box and came from behind the bar to sit in front of him. He brought a bottle of whiskey and four tumblers with him and then poured one out for each of the elves and himself. It was a long time before Walter spoke again.
"Why?" he eventually managed. "What does she see in him? Why him? She said she was breaking up with me because she was frightened of losing me and couldn't handle it. He's the biggest f**king shagabout in town! Different woman for every night of the week. He's just using her."
"To be fair, Walt, that is what you used to be like as well," Gary reminded him.
"I was never as bad as him! And anyway, Tallina was different. She changed me. I never wanted anyone else once I met her. I f**king love her. Really f**king love her." A tear began to roll down Walter's cheek. "You aren't going to tell me that Jason the F**king Motorbike Elf loves her the way I do. No f**king way. Why? Why? Dave?"
"I've seen this many times, Walter, mate. You really aren't going to like the answer very much if I tell you."
"It can't get much worse, Dave. Tell me. Tell me."
"It's pretty simple, Walter. She finds him more exciting. Maybe she found you exciting as well to begin with, but then as you just admitted yourself, you changed. Am I not somewhere near the mark here ladies?" Dave looked over at the three fairies who had respectfully kept quiet since the incident. They each gave remarkably non-committal answers.
"What can I do, Dave?" Walter asked. "I want her back, Dave. He's not good enough for her. He'll hurt her. I have to protect her from that, don't I? She's my little girl."
"I'm sorry, Walt, but in my experience you just have to sit it out. Let her find out for herself. For the record, I think you are probably right, that Jason is no good. But you have to let her learn by her own mistakes. Maybe when that happens she'll realise what she has given up."
"There must be something I can do," said Walter again, his voice trailing off as he reached the end of the sentence.
"Come on, feller," Seamus interjected. "Let's walk these lovely ladies home and get you back to the flat." So they left the pub after thanking Dave for his magical barkeeping and one by one took the fairies home. The mood was very subdued. Before Rosie went inside her house, she pressed a piece of paper into Gary's hand. For a few minutes he didn't dare open it but when he did his heart leapt to read the words 'call me' with a phone number. He felt a twinge of guilt that he felt so happy when his best mate was at such a low point.
The three tumbled into my flat and headed for the sofa, from where I heard Walter's little voice say, "Seamus, what was that you said about if I ever want to come over to Ireland?"
Next Story - Unconditional >>
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