PROCRASTINATION

I have recently started referring to Facebook as 'The Blue and White Procrastination Engine'. I sometimes wonder what I used to do to waste my time before this remarkable invention came along. Although I often have an uneasy feeling that I am wasting my life away when checking the latest notifications and invitations, prior to joining Facebook I was certainly not a Davinci-like hive of industry and creation. Yet try as I might, I can't remember just what it was I did to waste my spare time in the good old days.

I think I need to approach this like Sherlock Holmes.

"When you have eliminated all which is impossible, then whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

Variations of this famous quote appeared in Conan-Doyle's novels no less than six times. He ommitted to mention the many times that the approach led to the silly-hatted Holmes declaring that a dastardly murder was committed by a completely innocent cheeky chimney sweep who just happened to like hanging around the same places as he and Watson did. But, for want of a better method, I think I will follow his example.



So what other forms of procrastination might I have engaged in before the fateful day that my beautiful friend Kelly Jayne invited me to the merry blue and white party?

Masturbation is or course a firm favourite, but this can really only account for my time at home alone. I have yet to find an employer who is prepared to allow it during work hours, despite my protestations that it would greatly raise my morale. That reminds me of a time in my dim and distant past when I wasn't the fine and healthy specimen of a man you see today, and had drifted into the habit of smoking. But one day I decided to give up and visited the NHS Quitline Website for some tips. One of the tips was: "Replace smoking with another activity that you find very enjoyable." So I decided to replace it with wanking. A couple of weeks later, although I had managed to refrain from partaking of the devil weed, my cock was very sore indeed and I had been handed a lifetime ban from the smoking area at work.

What about television? Well, once again, that may well account for a lot of people's spare time at home, but I do not have TV and it could not account for the several hours a day of mucking about that I have to put in at work so that they don't realise how remarkably efficient I am and shorten all my deadlines by 80%.

So I have eliminated masturbation and television. What else is there? Hmmm. I am struggling to think of anything. Is it possible that I actually spent the time before Facebook (from now on I will refer to that as B.F.) doing absolutely nothing with several hours of the day? Is is possible that Facebook has come to my rescue, allowing me to fulfill my true potential by writing nonsense, arguing with people and making strange profile pictures? Perhaps I can shake off that nagging feeling that I am squandering my precious days thinking of amusing ways to raise my eyebrows in a video message or telling people who post 'nice' chain messages on Superwall to "Please bloody well stop doing that (you lazy, insincere twat)."

Perhaps I have found my true calling at last ....